Happy Returns (S-6, E-19)
Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and
Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors
because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post
them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.
Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Many Happy Returns
indeed. Oh yeah, in spite of all the teasing and prodding Xena
did to Gabrielle I’m sure she got lucky on Gabby’s
Birthday and vice versa. Tapert is throwing the subtext bone
anymore folks he’s prepping the audience for the ‘big
one’. (Still haven’t heard from my nutforum pal Fubard
about betting on if Tapert will do it or not since he
doesn’t think they’ll go ‘all the way’. I beeeeeg to
differ (VBG) ).
Our tale opens with
Xena and Gab’s being playful in the woods. Not the kind of
playful I’d like to see (VBG) but I’m sure Tapert’s not
gonna show his entire hand before all the bets have been
placed (VBG). Seems Gabby's birthday is just around the corner
and Gabrielle is trying to quiz Xena on her gift. She pokes
Xena. She prods Xena. Something that would have another person
in the world with a broken hand (LOL). But remember Xena’s
kitty whipped in the most wonderful of ways. Of course that
doesn’t mean she still can’t have fun harassing Gabrielle
for her birthday. Seems Xena’s made it a tradition to pull
practical jokes on Gabby for her birthday. Gabby says not this
year and Xena agrees, making sure to cross her fingers behind
her back. Xena pulls out a telescope to check it out the area
but she holds it backwards. Gabby rips it from Xena’s hand
and holds it the right way, leaving a nice black ring around
Gabby’s eye unknown to her. They hear a ruckus and go to
They find a young
maiden about to be pitched off a cliff by a cult who’s
sacrificing her to their God to protect them from an evil
warlord. We have the gratuitous fight scene (this is Xena: WP
of course) and when the girl takes a header off the mountain
Xena uses the flying helmet of Hermes to jump down and catch
the girl. After they land safely away they have this
X: You alright?
Girl: Oh divine
presence, as you’ve made yourself manifest. Take thy humble
servant to your bosom (girl goes to hug Xena)
X: (holding the
girl back at arms length, pointing to her own breast) Woah,
this is spoken for.
Oh really Xena? And
just who’s doing the talkin’ huh? Perhaps your still
breastfeeding Eve or some other child we don’t know of?
Perhaps you fell for some tall, dark and handsome bad boy? Or
maybe, just maybe it has something to do with that little
blonde soulmate, best friend who will never leave you in death
gal you travel with? I’m voting for the last one. (VBG).
Anyway the gal
falls to her knees thinking Xena is a god. Xena shows her that
she’s not a god. She just saved her from dying with the help
of the helmet. The girl is a bit upset. She was a virgin
sacrifice and Xena had no business interfering! Xena doesn’t
see why she’d want to sacrifice herself to ANY god.
Gabrielle catches up at that point and the gal asks what’s
wrong with her eye. Gabrielle wipes and sees the black stuff.
Xena quickly says, "It’s a birthmark. We don’t talk
about it." The girl then asks, "Are you sure
you’re not a god?" Gabrielle chuckles and says,
"If she were a god I couldn’t do this, or this or
this…awww..". (First Gabrielle tweaks her nose. Then
she pinches her butt. Then she tries to get in a punch but
Xena catches her fist and crunches until Gabrielle gives up)
Xena and Gabrielle
decide to give them a taste of the Greek gods so she’d see
what the gods can be like and she won’t want to kill
herself. Xena likes the idea and they decide to bring the gal
along. A warlord looking guy is watching from the bushes. Next
we see the cult getting ready to go in search of the girl. The
warlord looking dude goes back to his dad who’s Gingus Khan
to the 10th power (totally over the top but very
funny IMHO). He tells him that a woman dressed in leather flew
down and saved the sacrifice gal. GK knows it’s gotta be
Xena and she must have the helmet of Hermes and he wants it.
Xena and Gabrielle
tell the gal there’s nothing like sleeping under the stars
and the gal says she wouldn’t know because she was locked up
sunset to sunrise. Gabby asked if she was raised to be a
priestess and the gals says ‘Oh no, I was raised to be a
virgin sacrifice’. Gabby has a hard time believing that as
Xena throws the gal some blankets and tells her to make up her
bedroll. The gal goes to work on laying them out and turns to
ask if she can help with anything. We see the camp entirely
set up with a pot over the fire in an instant (LOL). Boy are
they quick but then again they do have that never-ending
saddlebag too that HOLDS all that stuff (VBG). The virgin
looks over to see naked Xena and Gabby jumping into the near
by stream and she covers her innocent eyes, making sure to
peek through her fingers. (LOL)
Xena and Gabrielle
play in the water splashing each other. Gabby ducks under
water and we see Xena get startled. When Gabby breaks the
surface again Xena says, "I can’t believe you did
that." (ROTFL) Did what?! Did what?! I wanna see!! What
did Gabby do to Xena under the water?! Awww shucks! Denied
again (VBG). Gabby is so playful. She can swim with me naked
anytime. I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that?(VBG)
Anyway, Xena and
Gabby try to coax the young woman to join them (WooHoo. Color
ME there if asked) but she declines saying she’ll just stay
there and look at the bushes (LOL). Yeah, Xena and Gabrielle
laughed at her choice of words too (VBG)
Later that night
the gal gets upset over eating one of god’s creatures (a
fish) and Xena poses the proverbial subtext question,
"You know if the gods didn’t want us to eat fish then
why did they make it taste so good". You gotta check out
the look Xena throws to Gabby and the agreeing nod that Gabby
gives her (LOL). It’s priceless. J
Xena and Gabby are
in their bedroll (sleeping next to each other of course) and
Gabby is laughing, squiring around saying Xena’s name. She
tells her to get her cold, clammy feet off her. Xena turns
slightly and says she doesn’t know what Gabby’s talking
about. Gabby pulls up the covers to see an eel slithering
away. When she regroups from her shock Gabby starts to smack
Xena with her blanket saying this is war now. Xena just hides
her head from the onslaught smiling (LOL).
The next morning
Xena is taking her morning bath and comes out of the water.
She asks Gabby where her clothes are. Gabby says they’re
right under her nose. Xena sees she’s hid them under a rock
and pulls them out. In doing so a bucket comes crashing down,
covering Xena, making Gabby chuckle.
G: I …ahh…I
thought…I mean Xena you can catch arrows. I thought for sure
you could catch a bucket.
X: Happy Birthday
G: This means that
we’re even now right?
X: (pulling fish
guts from her hair) Oh even…nah I think that we’re just
They take her
Dite’s temple and Dite arrives in Dite fashion with two
studs giving her a massage. Dite's says well if it isn’t my
favorite girl group. Xena says meet Jenina the virgin. Jenina
says she can’t believe it. Dite says the same adding,
"I thought you virgins are extinct." Dite goes on to
wish Gabby a happy birthday. Xena says they are going to
Thebes for Gabby’s birthday and she asks Dite if they’d
like to join them. Dite says "Did you get Sappho tickets?
What row?" Xena shoots Dite the ‘Will you SHUT
UP?" look and Gabby picks up on it getting excited.
They are on the
road and Xena offers Gabby some water but Gabby won’t
‘fall for it’ and refuses. Xena takes a drink and Gabby
curses herself because Xena didn’t taint it. Jenina
doesn’t think Dite is a real goddess so she makes a bag like
Xena’s. She makes a rose too but the gal isn’t impressed.
Dite offers to zap them to Thebes but Xena says she wants
Jenina to spend time with an honest to goodness immortal and
that’s her. They are walking through town and the virgin is
taking it all in. Dite plans to show her around. In the onset
Xena and Gabrielle are at a food stand and Xena offers
Gabrielle some ‘forbidden fruit’ but Gabby’s not buying
it – Xena’s tampered with it. Jenina sees the warlord’s
son in the market place but before they can speak Xena tells
them they have to get going – they have a show to catch.
Next we see them at
a table in a tavern. Gabby has her head down on the table and
Xena is patting her head.
X: I’m sorry
Gabrielle. I don’t know how I could have gotten the times
G: Xena, I do not
believe we came all this way and we missed Sappho.
X: Here, have a
G: (pushing it
back) No no, No dribble cups today.
X: Suit yourself.
I’m gonna rustle up some food. Hold this.
something is up since Xena left the helmet with her. Dite says
that’s her bag. Xena switched bags on her back in the market
place and she’s got the helmet. Gabby’s not sure what’s
up but she wonders why Xena did a switch. She’s sure it has
something to do with trying to get even with her.
Xena returns as the
warlord enters saying he wants the helmet. Gratuitous fight
scene ensues. Xena tells Dite to get the bag and the girl out
of there, which she does. In the course of the battle the
warlord gets the bag and takes off. Gabby tells Xena that the
warlord now has the bag. Xena says not to worry. Dite's got
the helmet. She starts to take a drink as Gabby tells her that
she switched the bags so he really does have the helmet. Xena
shoots ale all over the place. (LOL)
that Dite ‘zapped’ them, Jenina sees that Dite is a
goddess and decides to worship her. Xena and Gabby catch up to
them and now Jenina is decked out in a little nighty herself (LOL).
X and G said this was NOT their intention. X and G leave to go
get the helmet. Dite and Jenina stay behind in the village.
Jenina says if she’s going to be a follower of Dite she has
to learn love. Dite agrees and puts a spell on her and the
young warlord who’s been admiring her.
Xena and Gabby are
in the warlord’s cave watching him fly around. When Jenina
and the young warlord come in announcing they are engaged.
Dite appears behind Xe and Gab and they ask what she did to
Jenina. It was just a spell and Dite says she’ll take it
off. They say no, Jenina will freak when she realizes where
she is. They’ll get close enough to get her out of there.
They show up as
Jenina parents (LOL). Dite is her mom Spitunia. And Xena in
mustache and goatee is Anthrax (ROTFL). She makes a damn good
looking man and if not for seeing the eyes I’d never believe
it was her. (LOL) They say they’ve heard of the nuptials and
they’ve brought in a wedding coordinator AKA Gabby. To cut
to the chase: They manage to swap bags, take the spell off
Jenina and make her realize she has to live for herself first
and not for a certain god or person. Dite zaps Jenina back to
the marketplace with helmet in hand but she gets zapped right
into the cult that’s looking for her. They drag her away
Once outside with
the helmet, Xena is ripping off her disguise. Dite tells Xena
and Gabby where she sent Jenina but Xena freaks and says
that’s where the cult is. Xena screams and stops herself
from choking Dite while Dite cowers away, apologizing (LOL).
The warlord realizes that he’s been duped and the cult
leader enters with the bag saying he’s got the helmet and
he’s willing to make a deal.
Xena and Gabby know
there’s a temple nearby and they head there to try to save
Jenina. When they enter they find the warlord flying in to
help the cult whip out Xena. Virgin Jenina is on an altar with
a board full of daggers above her. Of course a burning rope
supports the board and the fight scene ensues (once again this
is Xena: WP). And of course Xena beats up the warlord. She
gets the helmet. Convinces the girl to live for herself.
Defeats the cult and goes riding off into the sunset with her
Just kidding (VBG).
You want to know about the last part huh? Well they are
sitting by the sea, sunset has just begun and they have this
X: I’m sorry
Gabrielle. I didn’t know that Sappho was only here for one
performance. (pouring a mug of wine and handing it to Gabby)
G: It’s okay
Xena. It’s the thought that counts (cute little Gabby smile)
I would like to hear her read her poetry one day. . . .You
know, how did you fall for my fish guts gag?
X: I don’t know
G: You knew I’d
go crazy waiting to get even. Xena…didn’t see it coming.
(she takes a drink and it spills over down her.
X: Nor that. (big
smile) Now we’re even.
X: Here give me
that. (reaches for cup). I want you to close your eyes.
X: Trust me please.
X: (very soft and
tender) Close your eyes.
Gabrielle grins a
moment and then closes her eyes. Xena reaches into their bag
and sets a scroll in Gabrielle’s lap
G: (looking down)
What is this?
X: (shrugging) Open
it. (Xena starts to grin) I had Sappho jot something down for
G: A poem? Sappho
wrote a poem for me? Xena I don’t believe it. (Xena looks
nervous almost (LOL) but it’s very sweet, vulnerable look
I’ve never seen in six years) You planned this all along
G: (reading the
poem) There’s a moment when I look at you (*Xena looks
unsure of Gabs reaction*) And no speech is left in me. My
tongue breaks. Then fire races under my skin and I tremble.
And grow pale because I am dying for such love (*Gab’s voice
starts to crack and Xena looks like she’s starting to cry*)
Or so it seems to me. (*Gab sniffs and starts to chuckle*).
It’s beautiful. This is the best birthday present I have
ever had (*She rises and Xena gets up too and they hug*)
X: Of course it
ain’t over yet (Xena smiles and puts the flying helmet on
picking Gabrielle up and flying her over the ocean as the two
of them laugh ala Lois and Superman). Happy Birthday
Oh yeah. Xena did
good. She’s gonna get ‘rewarded’ I’m sure (LOL)