Are There (S-6, E-13)
Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and
Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors
because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post
them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.
Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You Are There
Our tale opens with
Xe and Gab in different shots traveling back to Norse country.
We see a tavern where Gab and Xe walk up to Beowolf. His
ho-hum response to seeing Gabby makes Xena wonder – before
he was willing to risk life and limb to be at Gabby’s side.
He says he’s gotten over his ‘school boy crush’ and
likes the flesh on his bones uncharged. Just then some
Valkyries come in and tell Xena to get the hell outta Dodge.
Xena says she’s there to see Odin. They say that’s not
gonna happen. Tip number one – don’t tell Xena no when
she’s got her mind made up (VBG).
Outside you see a
reporter (Michael Hurst of Iolaus fame(BG)) doing a sound
check and proceeding toward the tavern about how he’s there
to interview the warrior princess. The three Valkyries are
shown being thrown from the windows and running away. Xena and
Gabby come out to follow them but the reporter stops Xena to
ask her a few questions. Xena’s not much into disclosure at
all (VBG)…..End of teaser.
Next we see the
reporter saying that some folks see Xena as a savior, other
see her as a butcher but he’ll find out from the woman
herself tonight. Xe, Gab and the reporter are in a studio. A
make up artist is fixing up Xena until she gets annoyed and
bats them away. A stagehand is trying to put Gabby’s mic in
her BRSB. "Hey watch where you’re putting your
hands!" Gabby tells him. After he walks away Xena rises a
little bit and leans over Gabby warning the guy, "Yeah
you watch where you put your hands buddy!" She looks down
Gabby’s top until the reporter distracts her by welcoming
them to the show. (LOL)
introduces them and turns to Xena first. He starts to hit her
with a lot of questions about the things she's done and why
she’s trying to get to Odin. He mentions how Xena was an
evil Valkyries and what she did to Grimhilda (They show a
‘file photo’ of Grim as the monster(ROTFL)). Gabby points
out that she changed Grim back. The reporter insists that
Xena’s actions caused the death of many Norsemen. Xena asks
hotly, "Is there a question in there someplace?"(LOL).
The reporter then asks if Xena has come back to take Odin’s
place as a god. Gabby says, "What?!" Xena says,
"This is crazy." The reporter goes on to ask,
"Do you deny you stole the rheingold?". Xena says,
"No." Her demeanor is one of those little weasels
you’ll see on 60 minutes, sweating under the lights for
poisoning school kids or destroying area neighborhoods (LOL).
He then says she took it to have the power of a god. She says
she gave it back, ask the rheinmaidens. He then goes on to say
that she killed the Olympian Gods. Xena says not ALL of them
and she looks to Gabby with that ‘save me bard’ face you
rarely see.(LOL) Gabby of course jumps in and says the only
reason Xena did anything is because they were after Eve, her
The reporter points
out that it was her daughter who was following in her mothers
bloody footsteps. Xena says, ‘Wait a dog gone minute.’.
The reporter asks if Xena still has the power to kill Gods.
Xena says I’ve got the power to kill much lesser creatures
and starts to menace toward the reporter. He asks if she’s
uncomfortable with the truth. Xena tells him he wouldn’t
know the truth if it grew fangs and bit him on the-. Gabby
shoots up and grabs Xena by the waist saying, "This
interview is over." They both rip off their mics and
storm off the set. The reporter is pleased…he had Xena on
Next the reporter
is interviewing Charon about all the folks Xena has sent to
him. She keeps him busy he admits which is good because it’s
better to be workin’ then not workin’(LOL) and Xena’s
brought him some heavy hitters – Callisto, Marc Antony, and
even Julius Caesar to a point. Just then a guy in line raises
a ruckus. It’s Caligula!!! He’s waiting for the boat so
the reporter talks to him. This is a funny exchange. This is
what he says about Xena: "She’s a snake. A treacherous
deceiver like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on
her. She and that bard of hers ….like we don’t know
what’s goin on there? . .. I was a god – a living god and
that bitch took me out." (LOL) Charon comes up and says
that he would like to say one thing about Xena. At least she
pays her fare unlike some heroes – namely Hercules(LOL).
Next we see the
reporter back in the studio with someone from Valhalla masking
their identity with a magical cloak. The figure says Xena
wants the golden apples so she can eat them and become a god.
The reporter says that before they get into that this
‘informant’ claims to have masked their identity with an
invisible cloak but the only one who knows how to do that is
Odin. "Damn it" Odin says and shows himself. He says
that Xena’s plan is to restore Ares and rule with him. The
reporter questions the relationship of Xena and Ares and Odin
points out that ‘Xena’s has always had a thing for
So who does the
reporter go to see next? You guessed it – Ares. The reporter
asks if he’s in cahoots with Xena to get the golden apples
and make her his queen. They are out front of his farmhouse.
He says Xena’s had plenty of opportunities to be his queen
but frankly the job doesn’t interest her. Next we hear
someone say, "Yo Ares!" and the reporter rushes
inside. Ares starts yelling that he’s on private property. (LOL)
It’s Xena inside and the reporter asks if she and Ares are
plotting together and if they are in love. Ares gets rough and
says that’s enough and throws him out.
The reporter is in
Heaven next, talking to Michael. Michael has the same opinion
of Xena as Cal – she’s conniving, manipulative. She’s
responsible for sending Lucifer to Hell because she didn’t
take the job herself. The reporter ends up falling off his
rock and lands in Hell. There he sees Lucifer who’s not very
happy to hear the name Xena down in his domain but once he
gets his hands on her…the ‘devil’ points out that the
reporter might be down there someday too but lets him go.
Promptly the reporter passes out in fear (LOL).
Next the reporter
finds Eve in a prayer circle. He starts to ask intimate
questions about her mom and Eve loses it (I actually liked Eve
in this one). She’s calling him every four-letter word
(bleeped out of course (VBG)) and finally busts him in the
nose. So much for the messenger of the god of love (LOL).
Next we see Gabby
in the studio with the reporter to try to ‘set things
straight’ and tell the real story of Xena. The reporter
starts to turn the tables on her and shows Gabby pics of Ares
and Xena together. Gabby doesn’t look too pleased but says
that Xena and Ares have a past together. The reporter asks
Gabby if she and Xena were lovers until Ares came back into
the picture and Gabby doesn’t quite know how to answer. He
asks if Gabby is in love with Xena and Gabby pauses a moment
and says, "No she’s not." She’s got a puzzled
look on her face as if she can’t believe she said that.
Before they can go any further you hear someone yell,
"This is a closed set". Closed or not Xena’s comin’
in to get her bard, tossing stagehands left and right. She
reaches out to Gabrielle and tells her to come on. Gabby
starts to move but the reporter holds her back and he asks
Xena if she’s in love with Gabrielle. "You got some
pair on ya mister" Xena tells him as she menaces closer (LOL).
She knocks him down and puts the pinch on him. Xena asks him
if he loves anything – his wife, his dog, himself. Xena
points out that the world has lost the greatest gift the gods
ever gave them – the power to love. And she’s gonna get it
back. She tells him that’s the story and lets the pinch off.
Xena and Gabby are
walking through the ‘backlot’(LOL) and Gabby asks what’s
the plan. Xena says she’s going after Odin. Gabby wants to
know if there’s more and they have this exchange:
X: Why should I
spell out the plan? You think after all these years you could
join the dots yourself.
G: Why do I have to
drag it out of you? You know I wish I knew the pinch because I
would force you to share your little plan with me.
X: You can take the
pinch off but you're not allowed to put the pinch on.
G: Oh that’s
right! I’m the sidekick. You go ahead Xena, I’ll walk 10
paces behind you and your horse.
X: You could walk
beside my horse!
G: That’s really
BIG of you XENA!
X: (holding her
hands up) Gabrielle stop! What’s going on? This isn’t us.
G: We’re saying
things that people who love each other would never say.
X: We gotta get
love back into the world and fast.
The reporter is now
at a tavern/whorehouse to find out about a world without love.
The madam says business is booming. The reporter says so love
isn’t gone? The madam laughs and says love has NOTHING to do
with her business. She’s calling numbers for people. When
she gets to 27 it’s Ares. The reporter recognizes him and
Ares shrugs it off saying the guy’s crazy. As the reporter
chases him down. Ares says to give him a break – he’s just
trying to get laid (ROTFL).
Next the reporter
is at a cave and a cloaked figure tells him that he needs to
find love if he wants the real story. The reporter takes the
advice and finds Dite. She’s mortal and she explains that
the love she created is now running out – poof! There’s a
lot of funny stuff throughout this ep like Dite being
‘wrinkled’ and hamming it up for the camara (LOL). Next
the reporter has brought Dite to the base of Valhalla where
Beo and Gabby are hiding behind a big rock. Gabby is annoyed
to see the reporter but when she notices Dite she softens and
they hug each other like old friends (Ahhhhhhhh…it’s
really rather sweet). The reporter says he has to talk to
Xena. Gabby says that he just missed her. She’s getting the
apples from Odin and you can hear the two fighting in the
castle. Dite tells Gabby that she’s glad to see that Gabby
is still with Xena because she was worried with her away from
Olympus that they might not still be as close. Gabby says no
It gets quiet and
soon Xena is leading Odin down the road, holding the apples.
Ares shows up and Xena gives him one of the apples. He eats it
and has a grand old time blowing some stuff up. He tells Xena
to eat it. Xena considers it but Gabby pleads for her not to
do it. Xena says she doesn’t want Ares alone on Olympus. She
tosses it to Dite and Dite gets her godhood back too. Little
hearts start to float around – Beo gets that glimmer back
when he looks at Gabby. And Gabby and Xena well….they get
that look too (VBG). Ares tells Xena to think of the
possibilities and Xena does. She gives the apples back to Odin
and tells him to guard them well. Ares says, "You know
I’ll never stop trying." Xena says, "I’d expect
nothing less." Dite pulls him away and says let’s go
home and arm in arm they disappear.
Odin wants to know
how Xena got through to him. She says she cheated. We see Grim
uncloak herself saying she had to help Xena restore love to
the world when she asked. Next we see Grim in the studio.
She’s telling the reporter that she set him up in the cave.
Xena ‘played’ him into getting Dite there to Valhalla
while she took care of Ares. We flash to Xena footage where
Xena says she had to do it. The world needs love and hate,
anger and forgiveness, etc. etc. Grim says she’s gotta go
because Odin is still a bit miffed about her ‘doublecross’
but he’ll get over it.
They go back and
interview Eve, Ares, etc. but you’ll have to see that
yourself. Ares is especially funny I think as he whines about
Xena’s need for redemption and how she’s a goody goody
As the reporter
closes we see him in a tavern with Xena and Gabby who are
sitting shoulder to shoulder. Here’s the exchange because
I’m sure you all want to know:
Gabrielle. Xena. I have only one more question. The question
that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening – that has
never ever been answered.. . . Are you two lovers?
X: Your asking….
R: That’s right.
Are you two lovers?
X: (stands up)
That’s none of your beeswax!
G: (grabs her by
the arm) Okay Xena (chuckling)…Look you just risked
everything to bring love back into the world.
X: So what?
G: I think you
should answer the question.
X: You do, do ya?
G: Yeah (sweet
little Gabby smile. I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that?(VBG))
R: Hold it! Hold
it! (he primps himself for the camera as Xena and Gabby nudge
each other back and forth playfully). And now ladies and
gentleman, a world exclusive for the first time anywhere Xena
and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship.
…Gabrielle. Xena. Are you two lovers?
X: You want the
R: That’s right
Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.
X: (as the screen
gets static filled) It’s like this . . .(more static)
The screen goes
blank. The reporter gets upset that the batteries are gone and
the ‘please stand by sign’ comes up…followed of course
by our close that reads executive producers Sam Rami and Rob
Tapert (ROTFL)…Don’t worry Gab and Xe….We already know
the answer. (VBG)