God You Know (S-6, E-12)
Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and
Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors
because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post
them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.
Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The God You Know
Our tale opens with
a gruesome display of spiked heads and dead bodies. Evil Xena
would be proud to say the least. Gabby asks what kind of
‘sicko’ could do this. Just then Michael shows up.
Xena’s not real happy to see him. He can sense some
hostility. Well…duh! He tired to send her to hell the last
time. But desperate times call for desperate measures he tells
them. Times just like now. Xena wants him to explain.
He tells her the
Roman Emperor Caligeus is behind the killing of Eli’s
One-God followers. Xena’s first concern is Eve. This Cal guy
is a sadistic, murdering sex addict. Michael tells her she
better get to Rome quick and put an end to Cal because not
only does he think he’s a god, he’s becoming one. No more
discussion is needed Xena and Gab are off to Rome in a
heartbeat to knock him off and save Eve.
Once there we see
Cal riding a chariot, dragging two people who obviously
wouldn’t submit to his ‘cult of blood’. He shows off his
immortality by having a villager stab him. The villager
pledges allegiance to him. He moves to another village who’s
not as impressed. He has faith in his one god. Cal doesn’t
like this so he orders the man to be chained. Eve walks up and
tells Cal to let him go. Cal recognizes her as the reformed
Bitch of Rome and orders her to be taken too. But before he
can a chariot comes racing into the village square with Xena
aboard with a helmet and faceshield on. She’s knocking roman
guards around left and right as Cal watches. Everyone scatters
and Gabby gets the opportunity to lead Eve away. She tells Eve
to go to the caves where the followers of Eli are hiding out
for the time being. Eve is reluctant but listens.
While Xena is
kicking ass we see Ares in the background watching this. Xena
leaps from the chariot and lands in front of Cal. She pulls a
knife and goes for a deathblow but Ares jumps up and tackles
Xena before she can even draw blood. He tells her she kills
him he’ll kill her sister. Dite then ‘poofs’ on the
scene. They watch as Dite gives Cal some serious smooches.
Ares says Cal and Dite are bound together and if he dies then
she dies and he can’t let that happen. (Ahhh….Ares has a
soft side for Dite after all<VBG>)
Gabby comes back as
the guards round up Ares and Xena bringing them to Cal and
Dite. Dite walks up and starts to . . . ahem….feel Ares up.
"Okay, bad touching," he warns her. "Stop right
Cal takes Dite away from Ares and orders
him to the dungeon along with Eve. But Eve is now gone. He
orders the troops to go find her. Xena’s not sure what to
make of all this but she can tell sumthin just ain’t right.
Cal asks Xena just what the hell she thinks she was doing.
Gabby steps up and says, "Allow me to explain". She
tells him that she’s Cinda and she’s the ‘manager’ of
Saba (Xena) and if that fool hadn’t interrupted she would
have challenged Cal to a chariot race. He says being a god can
be soooooooo boring and he does like tall gals so what the
heck. He’ll have a party this evening and then they can
discuss this race.
Cut to gratuitous
hot tub shot (LOL) Xena is cleaning Gabby’s feet (No wonder
she gave that desert boys such dirty looks. He was doing her
job (LOL). But that’s okay. He ended up as a redshirt
anyway, right?). Xena says she’s worried about Eve. Gabby
says Eve is safe now. Xena says it won’t last long. She
knows Eve won’t stay put for long and she has to figure out
what to do. She gets out of the tub and dries off, getting
dressed. Gabby says they have to stop Cal but they can’t
hurt Dite. Xena says they’ll see if they can get some info.
She sends Gabby to speak to Dite. She’s going to the jail to
see Ares. Gabby warns Xena not to take too long since she’s
the guest of honor and they don’t wanna piss Cal off.
At the soirée
Gabby curls up on the comfy sofa where Dite, Cal and a few
others are . . .ahem. . enjoying each other's company. Gabby
tells Dite she’s looking beautiful but she seems a little
different. In fact she seems stoned (LOL) or just incredibly
drunk (VBG). Dite rises and brushes off Gabby. She doesn’t
remember the bard. She tells her to leave her alone but you
know Gabs (LOL). She follows.
Gabby stops Dite in an empty
hallway and asks if she’s okay. Gabby tries to steady the
swaying goddess. Dite says she’s never been so happy and she
backs Gabby up against the wall. Dite’s hands hook Gabby’s
cheeks and Dite starts to plant a tender yet passionate kiss.
Gabby lets her make contact, but then pushes Dite away and asks
‘What are you doing?’ as Dite begins to laugh. No
kidding!! All she needs is Xena to walk around the corner and
no more goddess of love folks.
We cut back to Cal
who realizes ‘oops my woman left’ and he goes in search of
her. He goes to the hallway to find Dite and Gabby locked in
an embrace with Dite stroking Gabby’s face telling her how
much she loves Cal. Gabby says she doesn’t buy that. Cal
makes his presence known and orders Dite back to the party. He
then starts to question where the hell Saba is. Looks like
he’ll have to order her death.
Down in the cell
Ares thanks the heavens that Xena is there and wants to know
how Dite is. Xena was hoping he had some inside info. He says
he came to Rome because he heard that Dite was going crazy.
Without the God of War the goddess of love becomes unbalanced.
Cal is ‘sucking’ the godhood from her. Ares doesn’t know
how but he knows he has to be stopped.
Cal is going to
call off the party but Gabby says not before she gets the
chance to show him her world-renowned performance. He lets her
go and she does a few different fight moves and a hip swings.
Dite sits up and it seems like for the briefest of moments she
recognizes something in Gabby. But Cal kisses her and
‘knocks her out’. As Gabby finishes, Cal is impressed and
the room applauds. Xena comes behind Gabby and asks if she
‘got to Dite’ (Ohhhhhh yeah Xena and in more ways than one
(LOL) ). Gabby says yeah but she doesn’t recognize them.
Cal sees Xena and
stands up. Gabby turns around and takes Xena’s smock off of
her to reveal her killer Vicky’s Secret get up she’s got
on. Xena’s got a great body but not the killer abs like
Gabby. Sorry folks but ROC has LL beat in that category hands
down. I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that? (VBG). He says she
has to prove herself worth to race him by performing a task.
Xena says name it. They bring out a shirtless Ares and he
tells Xena to kill him, handing her a sword.
Xena tells Cal that
in a former life her manager and her had a floor show that
she’d like to show Cal if he’s interested. It’s all in
the emperor’s taste of exotic entertainment. The room hoots
and hollers and Gabby curls up next to Ares wrapping his arm
around her as she begins to kiss and nibble on his hands (LOL).
Ares has a sh*t eating grin on his face to die for (You gotta
see this folks. It’s priceless). Cal says go to it. They
start to rub Ares body and Xena turns to Cal and asks, "You
want a piece of this?" Ares grin turns from sh*t eating
to Oh Sh*t. Cal says he’s ‘very tempted’ but (pointing
to Dite) he can’t right now. Xena says she can at least give
him a taste of what he’ll be missing.
As Gabby continues
to rub down the God of War, Xena goes over to Cal kissing him,
biting his lip. Xena goes back to Ares, playing up to him.
Ares (to Xena):
"You know I’ve fantasized about this in 100 different
situations but I gotta tell ya….I never got to this senario"
Xena: Well enjoy it
while you can cause in about 30 seconds all hell is gonna
And sure enough Cal
sees some blood on his hands from his lip. He’s in shock.
He’s bleeding. That’s not right. He screams for everyone
to leave. Dite protests and gets a slap to the head for her
trouble. Cal gets Xena alone and has her chained. He has a
guard stab him to see that he still has his immortality. He
doesn’t bleed so that’s okay. Still he wants to know how
Xena managed to make him bleed.
Dite is tending to
the cut on her forehead with Gabby helping her. She’s
loosing it realizing that she’s gonna die. She’s becoming
a pathetic mortal. Gabby says she’s gonna try to help her.
She’s her friend. Dite says she doesn’t want to hear that
and tries to ‘zap’ away but fails.
Cal is asking Xena
who she is. She tells him that she’s a Celtic Goddess of Sex
and she needs a god like him in her life. They could form a
great alliance with each other but he’s gotta drop the
bimbo. Cal says not yet. He’s got to give her one final kiss
to get the last of her godhood from her so he can become a
full god. Cal still isn’t sure about it all but Xena jumps
up, breaking the chains with a spear end. When she lands she
tells him it would be best if she do as he say. She can hurt
gods and if he doesn’t want to ‘play’ she can bring him
down. Cal starts to see the light. (BG)
Later that night
he’s screaming at the voices in his head of the family he
murdered to take control of Rome. He’s really a wacko
folks(VBG) but most monarchs are…just ask the Queen of
Subtext/Maintext. (VBG) The little voice I hear though say,
"do the subtext report, do the subtext report" so I
guess I’m one up on this dude. I haven’t totally lost my
mind. Anyway after his rant we see Michael standing behind him
Next we see Eve
praying and Michael coming to her, telling her that her time
is at hand and she leaves the cave. The guards bring Eve to
Cal and Cal goes to kill her but Xena stops him but not before
cold cocking Eve to make her shut the hell up (LOL – Thanks
Xena. I needed that) Wouldn’t it make more sense to use Eve
as a ‘warning’ to the followers of Eli in a public
display. Cal agrees. They will deal with her after the chariot
race in the morning.
Gabby is tending to
Dite when Michael appears ready to strike Dite. Gabby shields
Dite and Xena comes in kicking a little archangel @ss. Gabby
gets Dite out of the way.
Xena (to Michael) :
You tried to get Cal to go after Eve to force my hand and now you go
after my girlfriends? That’s not gonna happen."
They fight and Xena
knocks him into a tub of water. She puts the pinch on him to
tell him just what the heck he’s up to. Michael tells her he
has to kill Dite so Cal doesn’t get the last of her power.
Gabby screams for Xena to stop hurting Michael. She doesn’t
listen. He’s pissed her off for the last time. But suddenly
a light comes down and Michael is rescued…and Xena is
stripped of her power to kill gods.
Cal comes in and
gives Dite a final kiss taking her power. Xena regroups from
losing her god-killing power but it’s too late. She kicks
Cal in the face but it’s too late. He thinks she’s just
jealous but he’ll forgive her outburst because he’s now a
god. He zaps himself away and the gals run over to Dite. Gabby
leans over Dite with two hands on either side of her.
Dite (as she wakes
up to Gabby): Gabrielle I know we're like…close…but is
this okay with you?
Gabby: Is it really
Dite: Has anyone
told you you can be like a total ditz?
She tries to zap
them outta there. But it doesn’t work. Xena goes to see Ares
and Eve. She tells them that Dite’s got her mind but she’s
lost her immortality. She also tells them she can no longer
kill gods. She apologizes to Eve for the punch but Eve
doesn’t want to hear it. The punch doesn’t bother her as
much as the fact her mother never lets her make her own choice
(Gee Xena you didn’t miss those turbulent teen years after
all (VBG)). Eve says she knows what’s best for her and
it’s her life to lead. Xena says that’s good because
she’s gotta plan for the next morning to stop Cal and
she’s part of it.
The next morning
Eve being dragged behind Xena’s horse (Like Gabby like
Daughter) and we see them tie eve to a stake. Cal announces
that the winner the chariot race will get to off Eve, formerly
the Whore of Rome.
To make a long
chariot race short, Xena wins. She gets the honor of offing
Cal: Guess you’re
the one who gets to spill the blood?
X: Yes I’ve been
waiting for this opportunity for a long time. Only it won’t
be her blood that’s spilled today. (taking off her mask and
throwing it behind her to Gabby)
Xena. That’s Xena, the warrior princess.
Cal: Xena. I know
that name. Xena, the slayer…of gods.
X: Also Xena mother
of the girl who you called the whore of Rome. (drawing her
Once the crowd
turns on Cal and starts chanting Xena’s name. Xena tells him
that if he wants to go down in history he’ll have to take
his own life. She hands him his sword and pretty much tells
him. Either I can get the glory of offing you or you can take
your own life. It’s his choice. He decides to off himself.
Now it’s at the
end and sensitive chat time inside the vacant palace (VBG).
Eve, Ares and Dite are in the background.
Gab: How you
X: Dirty. How
should I feel?
G: Xena there was
nothing you could do. He was evil.
X: No he was
damaged. I was evil.
Dite: It’s not
fair (sitting trying to zap)
Ares: Welcome to my
When you were trying to get through to me earlier, you said a
couple of times that you were my friend. Did you really mean
G: Absolutely (with
sweet little Gabby smile intact)
Dite: That’s very
X: All right
everyone let's get out of here
(Xena puts her arms
around Eve and Gabby walking out)
Eve: Are you sorry
mother to lose your greatest gift? The ability to kill gods?
X: Nah it will just
make life spicier. Besides I still got my two greatest gifts.
With no intention of losing either of them.
(Ares and Dite walk
behind. He acts like he’s gonna hit her and she flinches but
then he puts his arm around her and they walk out arm and arm
Next weeks ep looks
pretty funny. It’s a take off of the old CBS series
"You are there" where a modern day reporter
interviews historical figures. Michael Hurst plays the
reporter in this one asking Xena some in-depth questions. In
one part Xena looks like she’s gonna knock him around but Gabby
steps up and pulls Xena back by the waist saying, "This
interview is official over" (LOL) Hmmmmmmm I wondered
what he asked that was so anger provoking ummmm? (VBG)