Subtext Reports
Those crazy posts about the episodes originally posted to the nutforum and saved here for posterity in their error riddled entirety (since they were written 'on the fly'). 
Homecoming Series
A series of five (not so short) stories about Xena and Gabrielle building their life together as a couple. 
Magic Series
Janice Covington and Melinda Pappas find love as they uncover more writings of Gabrielle about her warrior princess. 
Conversations by Campfire Series
Set during Season Four, parts of the episodes are worked into chats between Xena and Gab, particularly the subject of Najara and the bard. 
Changes of Heart Series
My take on what happened after Gabby got Chakram'ed upside the head by Xena in the Season Five ender. 
Bonding of Souls Series
This series picks up where 'Changes of Heart' ends with Xena and Gabby back together. Each 'episode' is an expansion of the episodes of Season Six.
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
How DID Ares get stuck in that tomb from the Xena Scrolls? This story answers that question. 
The Play
Xena and Gabrielle have to play the leads in a performance for a ruthless king to save Salmoneus' neck. Unexpected consequences and confessions are the result. 
The Queen, the Regent, the Warrior
Xena leaves Gabrielle in the care of the amazons, only to have Ephiny and Gabby fall in love. Xena does return and chaos and secret confessions follow.
The Contest
Ares and Aphrodite battle over Xena's spirit. 
Loss of Virginity
Romantic musings from one of our gals. 
Moment of Truth
Gabrielle does anything it takes to keep Xena out of a battle that's foretold to take the warrior princess' life. 
Thank the Gods For Henbane
At an Amazon festival Gabrielle has one too many henbane brownies, which results in a funny and sexy night for Xena. 
As It Should Be
The Queen gets taken by the Warrior Princess at the Amazon Village.
Family Ties
Xena takes Gabrielle back to home to spend a little time with the 'in-laws'. 
Dueling Cousins
Xena's look-alike cousin, Sappho, has always been competitive but now the Tenth Muse wants the ultimate prize - Gabrielle. 
The End
Alternate 'demise' of Xena and Gabrielle based on the Season Four crucifixion. 
Truth or Dare
Sexy romp between Callisto and Gabrielle set during 'A Necessary Evil' 
November 29th, 1942
A little romance fic between Janice and Mel. 
Inside Outside
Set after the events of 'A Family Affair', it's a scene told through the eyes of four people - Gabrielle's Father, Mother, Gabrielle herself and Xena.
Something To Talk About
Xena and Gabrielle's friends are all surprised that the pair aren't lovers so they consider why not.
Henbane, Horsenappings and Other Obstacles
A 'murphy's law' comedy where everything that can go wrong for Xena and Gabby but, of course, they still end up saving the day.
All That Matters
During Gabrielle's birthday party in' Takes One To Know One', Xena reflects on her love for the bard.  
What if Gabrielle was actually the one behind all the folks who influenced Xena's journey toward good? 
Have Yourself a Merry Little Solstice
A little Winter Solstice tale that's available in general (not lovers) and alternative (lovers). .
Little Moments: A Day in the Desert
A tale told through the eyes of Janice and then Mel while on a dig.  
Candy or Chaos
'Classic Xena' general Halloween story with Xena and Gabby return for the Potiedaia Harvest Festival.
Conquering Heroine
Gabrielle is the Conqueror in this piece. How exactly? Give it a read and find out. 
Watching and Waiting
Set after FIN II, Xena watches from afar as Gabrielle moves on with her life. 
Police Office Carol and Protestor Erin clash but find they're fighting for the same things. A short story based on my novel, 'One Belief Away'. 

Episode: Punch Lines (S-5, E-11)

Author: CN Winters

Fandom: Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and Gabrielle fanfiction

Author Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.

Feedback: Drop me a line at

Punch Lines 

First up – we get our bard back!! Second up – we have a clip show. I’ve always loved the clip shows because they seemed to making something new out of their clip shows and the usual remember when junk other shows pull. Unfortunately this is one of those ‘remember when’ shows but for a Xena ep it wasn’t ALL that bad and it did have some funny moments. Now onto the report…

Gabby’s got writer’s block (as usual lately) and Aphrodite comes to the rescue playing ‘head shrinker’ for Gabs as the group crashes in Dite's temple for the evening.

Dite begins the ‘exam’ by having Gabby recount the day. So the bard tells how they were trying to find a name for Xena’s baby. I say name the damn horse first THEN worry about naming the kid. For cryin’ out loud the kid isn’t even here yet (that’s the next ep by the way<G>).

The debate soon turns into how cranky Xena can be. Xena asks Joxer if he thinks that she’s ‘cranky’ as he thinks it over we see Xena pushing him around in FFG, Callisto and BTDT. After consideration of these facts Joxer answers with a ‘no’ and Gabby jabs him about his cowardliness.

Xena says she can control her temper to which Gabby doesn’t agree. They place a bet. If Gabby wins and Xena blows up then Xena gets KP duty for the month – cooking and cleaning. If Xena wins she gets backrubs for a month. They spit shake to seal the deal and Gabby says she’ll be nice and take the horses to the river to bathe them. She tells Xena to go to town, get some food and to take Joxer, since she needs a witness to make sure that Xena doesn’t ‘fall off the temper wagon’.

At the river, Gabby is talking to Argo about how Xena thinks she can’t give Argo a simple bath but as she returns to put more water on the mare she finds a mini Argo. Back on the ‘couch’ Dite says it’s no big deal since the horse got shrunk. Of course Gabby isn’t convinced. Dite goes into a spiel about how Gabby is repressing ‘latent tendencies’. She doesn’t get into what those tendencies might be but I have my suspicions. (VBG). Anyway they banter a bit and get back to the story.

Gabby is still spazing over Argo when Lacromos, the God of Despair, appears. He says the water is his sacred spring and Gabby has insulted him. Gab apologizes, but it gets her nowhere. He refuses to change Argo back. When Gabby learns he has never laughed or joked, she makes yet another bet – if she can make him laugh then he’ll fix Argo. We go into flashbacks again but nothing seems to work on making the god happy. In town Xena and Joxer are eating as a baby is screaming. Xena cooche coos the baby but the baby seems scared and shuts up. Xena doubts her abilities to be a mom but Joxer (being useful for once) makes Xena feel better about the prospect of motherhood by saying Xena might not be the ‘conventional mother but the kid is lucky to have her as their mom’. Ahhhhhh…now if only Xena and Gabby could share a few touching moments like that it would be like the show I used to watch years ago (VBG).

Back at Dite’s temple, the love goddess decides to have a pj party and transforms them into wearing pink jammies and fuzzy pink slippers. Gabby’s not too enthused but she goes back to telling about their day. Seems Gabby forgot to tie Argo so the little pony goes looking for her master. Gabby in turn goes looking for the miniature horse.

Back at the temple Dite makes a bath tub because animals are just so dirty and she had to bathe just listening to this part of the story. Dite offers to make Gabby a tub too but Gabby passes only to have the love goddess squirt water in Gabby’s face.

Xena and Joxer have left the tavern and decide to go shopping at the local grocery store. That was pretty fun in and of itself – you could hear a guy over a PA system saying clean up on aisle seven (LOL). They also play cheesy store music too in the back ground so make sure you listen for it. Anyway Gabby ends up there too looking for Argo when they do meet up Lacromos has shown up too. Gabby pleads again but the god won’t budge. When Gabby insults him by saying he isn’t skilled enough to make Argo big, he shrinks her too. So there’s little Gabby who sounds like she’s eating helium is trying to get Argo under control even though she’s about one foot tall.

Joxer pays Xena more compliments about being a mom and they hug. From over Xena’s shoulder Joxer sees the shrunken Gabby waving him over. He goes over and investigates. Gabby tells Joxer to stall Xena and help her get big somehow. Of course Joxer has all kinds of different plans at first but Gabby cuts that short by biting his finger (LOL).

Joxer, Gabby and little Argo all head to the lake where Joxer summons Lacromos. When he shows up Joxer goes into the woeful tale of his life and Lacromos soaks it up. Back at the tavern, Xena is looking for Joxer. She walks in and asks, ‘Anybody seen a guy in a pointy hat?’ A table of holy men, who happen to be wearing pointy caps all turn around, terrible offended. The head dude asks Xena if she’s trying to be funny. She says not intentional. When her friends aren’t around Xena whistles for Argo – someone she can count on.

Hearing the whistle Argo takes off and Lacromos hears Gabby yelling. He starts to go after her but he can’t see her. Joxer suggests making her big so he can find her and Lacromos compliments Joxer on the ‘good idea’. Gabby gets back to her normal height and traps the god with her sais as she and Joxer escape.

Argo finally does answer and walks into the tavern. All the people inside laugh at the ‘dog with a horse head’ and the ‘just add water’ horse that Xena has. She’s mad as hell now (LOL). Not only is her horse tiny but people are making fun of her (ROTFL). You have to listen close to hear the bar patrons but it’s funny as heck. Xena flashes back to all her evil transformations and screams "Gabrielle!!" at the top of her lungs.

Gabby and Joxer shows up and Xena thinks that ‘Gabby’s got some splain’ to do’ . Gabby explains the curse and the cure for it. But Xena really doesn’t care. Someone walks by with some pies and Xena picks up two. She menaces closer to Joxer and Gabby. Joxer dashes away and Gabby gets smacked. (sidenote: this is the scene where ROC got a nosebleed – her first during all the fight scenes she’s been in during the five years of shooting (LOL) Look close after she gets hit and you can see it).

Joxer thinks he’s safe however but Xena takes aim on him. Joxer ducks however and the holy dude behind him gets hit. The other patrons return fire and soon everyone is throwing pies at everyone. Everyone gets hit except for Xena. Lacromos shows up and Xena sees an opportunity. A pie on the ceiling is stuck but she uses the chakram to knock it down. She makes the god look up and he gets smacked with the pie. Everything stops but when the God starts to chuckle and then laugh he releases the spell.

After telling the story to Dite Gabby realizes just what is missing – her inner child. She loved to write because it was fun. However lately she’s been so busy being a ‘grown-up’ and preparing a way for Xena’s child that she never stopped to consider her needs and what made her happy. She decides that she will write again with a thanks to Dite. Dite says not to thank her yet as she disappears. Gabby hasn’t gotten the bill for services yet. With quill in hand Gabby finishes the story of the days events.

The trio are walking along again and Xena’s talking about how good those backrubs are gonna feel since she didn’t really get cranky. Gabby isn’t sure about that but she’ll go along with it ( I mean honestly. If Xena asked you to rub her back would YOU refuse – I thought not (VBG). But as they are walking they hear something. Xena turns around and gets smacked with a pie. They don’t know who did it but they hear a laugh from the heavens and realize it must be Lacromos. As they walk on again, we ‘fade to black’.

Next week is the baby ep – Gods galore!! A dashing ‘demi-god’ and a fight to the death. Ares, Zeus, Hera and as I’ve read (but didn’t see in the preview) ATHENA. Didn’t see Iolaus so I don’t know if he’ll be sidekicking but it did look like another ‘not to miss ep’ (VBG)

CN Winters


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