Episode: Old Ares Had a Farm
(S-6, E 10)
Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and
Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors
because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post
them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.
Drop me a line at email@example.com.
Old Ares Had a Farm
Yes I know this is
late. I was up late last night so I took a very long nap this
afternoon so my apologies. Hmm where to start? I liked the ep.
And I even felt sorry for Ares on some level – women toy
with him so and I know JUST how he feels. I’m sick of women
myself and I’m going to be giving up real soon on ever
finding another one – nothing but trouble, heartache and
misery but enough of my woes…on to Ares woes (G).
The tale opens with
Xena and Gabby walking from downstairs to the lower level of a
seedy tavern. A group of warlordish looking dudes watch them
as they walk past to go to the bar. Xena notices they are from
different warlord legions and goes to talk to them. She wants
to know if it’s a scumbag convention. Gabby stands at the
bar carefully watching the exchange. The warlord tells Xena he
doesn’t have to tell her why they are all there together.
She says ‘Oh but you do’ and puts the pinch on him. Hell
breaks loose. They charge Xena. Gabby charges in after them
and after kicking a little warlord booty Xena finds out that
there’s a price on Ares head thanks to the warlords of
Greece, Macedonia and Thrace. They are all uniting under a
warlord named Gastgar the Terrible to split the bounty.
Next we see Ares
walking down a path when some Joxer wannabe (yes you read that
right – he doesn’t even rate at Joxer’s level) leaps out
at him. Xena and Gab come out on either side of Ares and ask
who the little guy is. He says they call him battling Seeke.
Xena grins and says ‘no one’s ever called you that - you
just made it up. But if you don’t want to be known as dead
Seeke you’ll be moving on.’ He takes the advice and runs
Ares says he’s
getting a lot of that lately. He asks Xena what brings her
there, animal magnetism? Check out Gabby’s grin when he says
that. Xena says nope there’s a price on his head and they
are going to help. Ares is all gung ho to do some killing but
Xena says no blood bath. They are going to give him a new life
and a new identity. He thinks about it and asks what she has
in mind. She asked how good is he at shoveling sh*t(LOL) And
yes they bleeped out my version too(LOL).
The gals walk Ares
down the path, one on each arm (what I wouldn’t give to be
Ares(G)) they tell him that being a farmer would be perfect.
Ares says he was expecting murder and mayhem. Xena points out
that EVERY warlord out looking for him is a bit much to deal
with. He agrees that it’s getting a bit old. Gab says if
he’s a farmer no one would be looking for him. Xena says
they’ll stay with him until they get things in order. He
says it could work and then he could get a plantation, some
slaves, half a dozen flute playing girls…He walks on as Xena
and Gab stop to watch him. "Just what I was
thinking," Xena says rolling her eyes. They get a wagon
and arrive at what Xena calls the Elysian Fields on earth.
Ares thinks it’s the outhouse (LOL). Xena gets giddy – yes
warrior princess can be sappy and sentimental it seems so
maybe deep down Xena is as mushy as all those Missy Good
stories (LOL – ohhhhh settle down merpups it’s just a joke
Xena shows Gabby
where she carved her initial in the front post, her
grandmother’s chair where she’d tell stories about the
Olympian gods. Ares pipes in, "Didn’t think you’d
grow up to kill most of them did ya?" (LOL). Xena brushes
him off and leads Gabby into the house. It’s a wreck but
Gabby says it’s charming and they can fix it up. Ares comes
in and says, "I hate to spoil you’re waltz down memory
lane but Ares ain’t livin’ here." Xena admits it’s
run down but they’ll fix it. Ares says that even when he was
a god he couldn’t fix this place.(LOL). Gabby says it’s
gonna take a little work and sets up a table which collapses
in front of them. Ares says, "Now you’re scarin’
me." Xena asks, "More than a band of cut throats out
for your blood." As she opens a door and walks inside.
Ares asks, "Do I have to answer right away?" When
the door comes to a stop it promptly falls over too (VBG) as
Ares shakes his head. Xena runs back out and tells Gabby,
"Come look at the stove." Gabby goes off and Ares
rolls his eyes.
The Joxer wannabe
is telling tall tales of killing Ares. Gastgar grabs the young
chicken dude and taunts him. He confesses he didn’t kill him
but he did see him with them. Gastgar asks, "Them? He has
Joxerboy says no, a
couple of woman. Gastgar lets him go and turns to his partner
and says Ares always did have a thing for the ladies –
they’ll go where weasleboy last saw him and start their
Back at the
‘ranch’ Ares is sitting on the porch drinking, wiping
himself with a rag. Xe and Gab are cleaning in their farm gal
threads. Xena says to hurry up with the rags and Ares hides
them in the floorboards of the porch, saying he can’t seem
to find them anywhere. Xena walks out and says that doesn’t
make sense. Gabby comes out and asks if anyone’s seen the
saw she left out there. Ares says he doesn’t touch tools of
common labor. Xena grabs him by the ear and starts to smack
him in the butt with her apron as he whines. Gab is sure she
left the saw out there and can’t find it. Xena tells Ares to
give her a hand over the mantle to fix the roof. He admires
her backside and Xena turns around and chastises him. Ares
asked what she wanted with the rags. She wanted to use them to
buffer the walls and he says he’d rather do that and walks
out to get them. Xena follows thinking he’s going to escape
work again. As he looks for them in the porch he says he
thought she was going to make him do some demeaning job like
wash the floor with them so he hid them. Trouble is now they
are gone. Gabby goes over behind the porch rocking chair. Her
boot comes up missing too. Ares wineskin comes up missing as
well. Something is out there Xena tells them.
Before they can
search though a woman runs up and says that an evil warlord
Gastgar is heading their way. Gabby tells their neighbor
thanks for the warning. She says that she doesn’t know what
she’ll do since she’s widowed and that warlords will spoil
women of their chastity over and over and over again. At this
point Ares is clawing at the porch post saying, ‘those
beasts’. Xena give him a light slap and thanks the woman for
stopping by. She says no trouble and says it’s scary without
having a man around to take care of her wants and needs as
Ares steps closer to her. Xena and Gab look at each other and
give a little roll of the eyes. Ares tells her to stop by when
the news is better – they could have a glass of wine and
trade tips on growing root vegetables (LOL) She leaves and
Xena says ‘You two look for the thief while I go to check
out Gastgar’. Ares is miffed because she gets to play
warrior. Xena comes back seconds later dressed in her
battledress and breastplate (LOL). Watch for Ares double take
on how quick she gets dressed (VBG). Xena says she’d much
rather work on the house and Ares says the really sad part of
that is that he knows she’s being truthful. He stops and
looks around, "Where’s my belt?"(LOL)
At Gastgar’s camp
they announce that Xena is there. Gastgar rises to meet her as
she walks into his tent. She says she’s come to give him a
gift - Ares head on a platter. Gastgar’s not surprised after
hearing some of the things that Ares had done to her over the
years. But what he wants to know is that if she’s the killer
of gods why didn’t she knock off Ares on Olympus with the
other. She says Ares ran like a coward. Gastgar doesn’t want
to split the bounty anymore and since Ares is mortal they
don’t need her help. She says ‘What if it’s just rumors
and he is still a god’. Then he’ll need a god killer on
his team – besides she knows where to find him. She tells
him to look by the farm.
Back at the ranch,
Gabby thanks Ares for giving up his immortality to save her
and Eve. Ares says he had to save Eve to save Xena from being
killed by Athena. Gabby was just an ‘afterthought’. Gab
tries not to laugh but she gives a big smile and thanks him
anyway. Xena comes back into the house where they have a fire
going now. A storm starts up and Gabby gives Ares credit for
cleaning out the fireplace when it came to the ‘heavy
work’. Xena takes a seat next to Gabby (not Ares (VBG) and
Ares explains that Gab is just exaggerating – she didn’t
get him to work any harder than Xena had tried to do. Xena
says she and her brothers would sit by the fire and tell ghost
stories. She misses them and Ares has had enough of the stroll
down memory lane and tells her that the thief is still taking
their stuff. Gabby suggests maybe it’s a ghost and Ares once
more can’t believe the length mortals go to explain the
unexplainable. Before it ends up into a big fight Xena points
out that it’s nice that they are all together and cozy by
the fire. Life on the farm can be so comfortable. Gabby agrees
and Ares asks if they are insane. At this point the rain
starts to pour and Ares is getting all wet in his chair. Xena
tells them to split up – there’s gotta be one dry room in
the house. Gabby says the kitchen is worse. But Xena finds her
old bedroom and says the grandpa must have fortified the roof
in this area. Ares sees the bed and says it’s big enough for
three. Gabby says, "The three of us in one bed?".
Ares says ‘Sure’. Xena agrees adding that it’s possible
after all they are ‘all GROWN-UPS’. Ares grins and nods
his head saying, "We certainly are."
Xena and Ares are
tossing and turning. Gabby, as usual, is out cold. Ares
cuddles up behind Xena and Xena tells him to change his
position. He sighs and lays on his back unable to get
comfortable. Gabby rolls over and slaps one hand on his
forehead and one in his crouch. Ares whimpers and it makes
Xena roll over to look at them. Her eyes get wide when she
sees where Gabs got her hands and SHE not Ares, extracts the
sleeping bard from the former god of war. She’s still
cuddled up next to Ares as he sighs, "I’m in
Ares is still lying
in bed when he hears Xena screams to Gabrielle. ‘Thank god
I’m a country boy’ he says as he rolls out of bed to see
what the commotion is all about. He sees Xena and Gabby
walking around the yard. Ares wants to know what’s up and
Gabby says that the ghost has taken Xena’s breastplate. Xena
notices it’s been dragged away. And although it is an
‘ample’ breastplate to be sure, according to Ares, it
seems unlikely to be a ghost. They notice holes in the yard
and start to uncover all their stuff. Ares looks in a hollow
log. It’s a wolf he tells them. Xena and Gab take a peek.
It’s not a wolf it’s a dog, the girls tell him. The dog
charges and leaps on Ares kissing him. Xe and Gab start to pet
him under Ares protest. If they are nice to it then the dog
will stick around. ‘Maybe we want him around’, Gabby says
as Xena stands up. Ares says, "Is there any ONE THING we
can agree on?" Gabby gives a sly smile and looks up at
Xena (ROTFL). Ares replies, "Oh yeah. Anything
else?". Gabby doesn’t answer she just smiles and rises
beside Xena. Xena tells Ares that he and his furry friend have
to fix the roof. She and Gab are going to town for supplies.
As the gals walk off he asks the dog, "Can it get any
While Ares fixes
the roof neighbor lady comes back. The dog is bugging Ares and
he calls him a filthy mongrel but the neighbor says dogs make
her go all cuddly so of course Ares plays it up and tells the
dog to go visit the nice lady. She says she and her husband
had a dog but the husband died in the battles and the dog got
run over by the funeral cart (LOL) She goes on to talk about
how terrible war is and why can’t people be more
affectionate like dogs and just walk up and lick people they
like. Of course Ares is ‘torn’ but he likes the licking
idea (LOL). The woman asks where his daughters are and Ares
says they aren’t his daughters! Those are his slaves. They
don’t act like slaves according to the woman but Ares says
he’s too easy on them. He wants to know why she thinks they
are his daughters and she says well he’s seemed older,
sophisticated. Plus he’s graying around the temples. Ares
doesn’t quite know how to handle it so he makes an excuse to
get back up and fix the roof as the woman goes off. He gets to
the top and hears the wood creak and says ‘Of course.’
With that he falls inside and gets covered with debris. Xena
comes back in and asks what’s going on. Ares says he’s
just lying there smelling his mortality while the dog licks on
his face. He adds that he’s got muscle problems, gray hair
and the dog has its tongue in his mouth (ROTFL). She scats the
dog and pulls Ares up as Ares tells her with all due respect
this is the worst idea she’s ever had.
She then takes him
outside to see what they got. Gabby has a wagon full of
animals. Later Xena is humming her theme song as she cleans
some stuff. Ares is on the floor with the needy dog. Gab tells
him maybe if he pet it then the dog wouldn’t be so needy.
Ares pats it’s on the head and Xena suggests that Ares go do
something – like kill a chicken for dinner. Ares likes that
idea and he grabs his sword and runs out. Gabby yells
"Only one chicken". He goes into action as Xe and
Gab are talking about the situation. Xe tells her that once
he’s set up then she and her are ‘outta here’. Gab
points out that she knows she brought Ares there to help him
but Xena’s also there to relive her childhood memories. Xe
agrees – she felt happy there, peaceful and safe. She
hasn’t felt that way for a long time. Gabby says ‘lets
enjoy it while we can’. They hear Ares scream and they go to
the window to watch him chase the chickens around and start to
laugh at him. But soon Xena sees something. She calls to Ares
and says her plan is working. He asked is that the plan that
drives him insane. She says no, it’s the one that leads
Gastgar’s men to the farm.
Ares sees them
coming and goes into the house. Xena races to get dressed (it
takes her much longer now with Gab’s hands all over her (LOL)).
She tells him as Gabby dresses her that if he goes out as a
farmer and they leave he’ll have his cover. He says Gastgar
knows what he looks like. Xena says that’s the beauty of it,
he’s not part of the search party. The official story is
that Ares was there two days ago but he’s moved onto some
valley. Gabby interrupts and tells Xena ‘suck it in’. Xena
obeys and Gabby pulls everything into place. The warlords are
yelling for someone to come out. Xena throws some farmers
clothes at Ares and tells him he’s on. She’s gonna go out
back and come around the front to help fool them. Gabby tells
Ares to get out there but he says he needs time to
‘prepare’ – she has to stall them. She looks unsure but
rips her top open and tassels her hair. Ares likes the
‘show’ and he nods his head in approval at what he sees.
Gab vamps to the doorway like a ‘spent’ woman. The army
all smiles as she comes out. She walks out and apologizes
short of breath saying she was ‘umm…busy’ (LOL).
"Come down her pretty one," the warlord tells her.
Gabby gives a shy
smile and walks out to the men. "Would you like to help
us?" he asks. Gabby gives a sexy chuckle and says
"Of course". He says he’s looking for Ares –
they say he’s dark, handsome, and many women like the look
of him. She tells him 'there’s a lotta men that come round
here whose look I like'. The men all give a chuckle. Ares
comes out finally and asks Gabby, "What ARE you doin? Get
back on in the house woman." As they pass each other he
yells ‘Harlot’ at Gabby (ROTFL). The warlord asks if
he’s seen anyone suspicious around there. Ares says yes . .
. him (the interrigating warlord). The warlord doesn’t like
his attitude and kicks Ares around. Xena shows up and asks
what’s going on. The warlord says he’s getting feisty and
this farmer could be Ares. Xena says Ares is a much younger
man than this. Ares gives her a dirty glance. The warlord
tells Xena to put the pinch thingy on him. She’s unsure but
does it and when she does Ares new dog bites her in the @ss.
Ares then tells her ‘Ares’ passed through but moved on.
The army moves in the direction Ares said and Xena rides off
in another. Gabby runs out after the men all leave – her top
resewn (ahhh shucks (VBG)). She tells him he shouldn’t have
come out with such an attitude. Ares points out that any man
would have reacted that way since his ‘woman’ was about to
‘take on’ an entire army. What did she expect? What the
hell was she thinking by doing that?
Gabby says that was
the first thing that came to her mind. Ares says, "I
think that says a lot about you." (ROTFL). Gabby starts
to respond but Xena comes back. She says well done, it worked
and fooled them. The dog is now sitting on Gabby’s horse and
Xena says get down from there and throws her chakram at him to
scare him. Ares protests telling her not to hurt his dog (LOL).
"Did you say your dog?" Xena asked. Ares says yes,
he was the only one that stood up for him just now. He names
him Horace and they walk off together to kill some chickens.
amazing. He’s bonded with the dog," Gabby chuckles.
"Well that dog worships him. That’s a relationship Ares
can understand," Xena grins. Later they are milking a cow
as Ares watches them. Ares can’t believe he’s watching the
warrior princess and the battling bard. A traveling salesman
comes in and the dog takes off. He says he lost his dog last
time he was traveling through here. He hears him and chases
after him. Ares whispers "Run Horace run". But the
salesman does catch the dog. Later, Gastgar stops by the
merchant’s wagon and sees the dog chewing on Ares gauntlet.
He wants to know what ‘farm’ the dog found that on.
Ares is looking for
his gauntlet at the ranch and Gabby says Horace probably
buried it but Ares sticks up for his dog. Xena points out that
no one would want the gauntlet as the neighbor comes back
saying Gastgar is on his way back through the valley to the
farm since he’s got it in his head that Ares is there. Xena
thanks the woman and tells her to go away when she wants to
continue gossiping. (LOL)
Xena goes to
Gastgar’s tent. He says he thought she was headed for the
Garatta Pass to find Ares. Xena says she heard he turned his
army around and she wanted to save him the time time of-. He
cuts her off and says it’s not going to work. He knows that
Xena has to be hiding Ares out someplace. But he wants to know
why. Gabby walks in and says "I’ll tell you why"
and they have this exchange:
Gabrielle what are you doing here?
Gab: (a bit miffed)
Tired of being used by you Xena.
this is not time for one of your little spats.
Gab: You wanna know
where Ares is?
listen to her. She’s insane.
Gab: I’ll tell
you who’s insane (to Xena). You. If you think you can walk
away from me. You fall in love with Ares and suddenly I’m
Gastgar: You fell
in love with Ares?! After all he’s done to you? That’s
Xena: You want a
piece of me Gastgar?
back) None of my business really.
Gastgar (to Gabby):
You were about to tell me where Ares is…
Xena: I wouldn’t
do that if I were you Gabrielle
Gabby: Xena you
taught me how to fight. I may be tougher than you think.
(leaps up and hits her breastplate). Ares is headed to
Paultrous. He’s gonna hide in the mountain cave.
Xena: Why I oughta-.
Gab:Come on warrior
princess. Let’s see what you got.
Gab and Xena start
to come to blows and Gastgar suggest they take it outside.
When neither listens, he gives up and leaves suggesting to his
partner they start on the way to Paultrous. After they leave,
Gabby pulls her sais and Xena pulls her sword. Gabby gives her
playful jab and Xena knocks it away, smiling. "Nice
moves," she tells the bard with a playful grin.
Back at the ranch
Ares is on his porch Xena and Gabby ride up along with Horace
(VBG) and tell him that they sent Gastgar to the Paultrous
cave that an 8 headed beast calls home. Xena tells Ares he’s
okay here now. He says once he’s outta chickens he might
move on. Xena says he should stick it out. Maybe she’ll come
and visit him sometime. She moves in close to him and Gabby
looks away (VBG). He goes to kiss her but instead she takes
his cheek and gives it a squeeze. "Good boy," she
says giving him a few little taps on the face, denying him
even a peck. Like I said earlier . . . women!
Xena and Gabby
mount up on their horses and start off. They have this
Gab: How are you
Xena: I learned
something coming back here. You can’t look for peace in the
world around you. You have to find it in your own heart. I was
happy when I was a kid here because I was loved and I felt
like I belonged. I was lucky then and I’m lucky now.
Gab: Me too
Fade to black
I have to say that
this story played out like a subtext friendly fan fiction
story(VBG). Maybe that’s why I liked it as much as I did.
Either that or watching Gabby ripping off her top with a
wanton look on her face(LOL)…Perhaps it was a little of