Episode: Lyre Lyre Hearts On Fire (S-5, E-10)

Author: CN Winters

Fandom: Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and Gabrielle fanfiction

Author Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.

Feedback: Drop me a line at cnwinters71@yahoo.com.

Lyre Lyre Hearts On Fire

Let me just get it out of the way now - I love Gabby! Have I mentioned that? (VBG). Just when I think Gabby couldn’t be sexier they put her in a cage in a go-go bikini. Yes…I’m a sexist pig even if I am female(VBG). But I’m jumping ahead. Let’s start at the beginning.

I’m not sure if there was subtext in the very beginning because my father and I were arguing over how to properly work the VCR, TV and Satellite Dish. When I finally took control (which is quite a struggle since dad is 6’4" and 230 lbs. - imagine my fear when I told him I was ‘part-time queer’ but that’s another story for another time (VBG)) I got things up and running.

Xena breaks up a fight between Draco army and a group of amazons. They both want this magical lyre. Draco has not forgot Gabster - he’s still under Bliss’ spell and madly in love. When Gabby pulls from Draco’s touch Xena pushes Joxer away and puts a protective hand on Gabby’s shoulder (Ahhhhh, how sweet! Unfortunately that’s the closest thing we have to subtext in this ep).

Anyway, the two groups start to fight until Xena breaks into song with "War" - and as someone has pointed out it seemed like the worst version of this song I’ve ever heard. (LOL). After the number the two groups agree to enter a ‘battle of the bands’ contest. They go to the music capital of Greece where Xena and Gabby explain that they are going to have a contest. Well the villages break out in song - an original song btw - with intentions of entering the contest. Gabby tells Xena that everyone now wants to enter so Xena tells her to start to make the first ‘cut’ (No. Not chopping people up which Gabs has gotten real good at lately). She tells Joxer that they need to build a stage and he goes to work. Xena starts to head off and hears her mother behind her.

The phrase ‘deer caught in the headlights’ comes to mind when Xena recognizes the voice. The two embrace and mom wants to meet that ‘special someone’ who knocked Xena up. Xena says the father isn’t in her life. But Cyrene says that every child needs a father but Xena points out that Cyrene did it. Cyrene counters that it wasn’t easy.

But Xena says, "I have help Mom" (Can anyone say GABSTER?!(vbg)). Meanwhile Gabby is listening to the bands when Xena and Joxer show up. They are terrible. Joxer says to cheer up; they can’t all be mediocre. Gabby says "No. They all suck."(LOL) I’m not sure why this struck me as so funny - just hearing ROC deliver they word ‘suck’ made me laugh out loud. But suddenly they hear someone playing nearby that doesn’t suck and they go to investigate.

Enter Jace, the flaming brother of Joxer - singing an upbeat disco version of "Dancing in the Moonlight". Okay call me crazy but this song had me bopping around(LOL) and the studs Joxer had dancing for him were cute. Much better looking than Discords boy toys - Jace knows how to pick ‘em. Jace starts a conga line and Gabby grabs Xena to join in. They pass Cyrene who has a guy for Xena to check out and she quickly makes her departure. Gabby just looks the guy over and moves on. There’s a great shot of her reaction at MaryD’s site. (LOL)

When the music ends, Draco tells Jace they don’t like his kind ‘round there but Xena and Gabby show up and break things up. Xena warns that he better not hurt a hair on Jace’s head. Draco explains that he doesn’t want this ‘panty-twist’ to infect Gabrielle.(LOL) Too late Draco!! I think she’s been ‘converted’ for quite awhile now! (LOL) The little smile and eyebrow twitch that Gabby gives Draco after Xena’s threat is fabulous. Oh yeah . . . we know where Gabby’s heart lies and it ain’t with Draco.

I must say, there really is no reference to Jace’s homosexuality in this episode. He just looks like every other eccentric rock star in the world(LOL). Kinda like a deranged Ricky Ricardo (You know …. Heeeeey Luuuuccccy…I’mmmm hommmmmme). Maybe one of the Czech Bros. from the old Saturday Night Lives.

Anyhow, we see the amazon leader putting the moves on Joxer but they get interrupted by Jace who wants to see his brother. The reunion isn’t happy one and Joxer tells him to leave him alone. Next Jace is sharing drinks with Xena (well he’s doing shooters and she’s drinking milk(G)). Jace says he can’t believe how Joxer has treated him but Xena explains that Joxer doesn’t know who he is but who he wants to be. Jace agrees and the two part company. Cyrene enters with another suitor that Xena shoos away by showing how pregnant she is. He gives them some space and Xena makes it clear that she doesn’t need help finding a man and says now she knows why she left home so early.

Gabby finds Joxer and asked why he’s so heartless toward Jace. Joxer says Jace is wasting his life but Gabby points out that he’s still his brother. The amazon shows up and asks Joxer to check out her moves. The group goes to the bar and Gabby looks on at the amazon throwing herself at him, wondering why it bothers her that he has another distraction. Draco shows up and proposes marriage, which Gabby refuses but not without some colorful commentary. Xena for her part learns that her mother has placed a personal ad and begins to get bombarded with unwanted offers.

After Gabby leaves Draco in the dust he fantasizes about Gabby and sings the song "Always Something There To Remind Me" well not sing - more like scream. My hubby loved this version of the 80’s classic but he likes that crap music anyway(LOL) To each his own I guess. Anyway Draco decides that if he can’t have Gabby no one will. Jace is practicing as amazon chick and Joxer look on when Gabby asked Xena if she thinks that the amazon and Joxer make a good match. She’s not interested she says but Xena makes the point that if she doesn’t want him he’s fair game. You can see that Xena is ribbin’ her about it. But Gabby doesn’t reply.

We see Joxer going to Jace with a half ass apology - saying that if his brother wanted to be weird that was fine by him. Jace told him that Joxer still didn’t ‘get it’ but thanks anyway. After the next suitor, a young man who wanted to do right by Xena, the warrior goes off and finds her mother making the announcement that she’s going to kill her (LOL). Cyrene says she just wants Xena to have a family. Xena points out that Gabby, Joxer and yes even her although she hates to admit it at the moment are her family.

Xena then breaks into song with some amazons that are around and sing "Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves". I will say that LL does a better job with this song - it’s more in her ‘tune’ of singing voice. By the end of the song mom accepts Xena’s choice of ‘family’ and they hug (VBG). Draco on the other hand is in a rage because Gabby hates him. They are soulmates he tells his men (LOL) Sorry Draco! The position has been filled by Xena, dude!! (LOL) In any event Draco decides that the finishing touch on their act will be when he kills Gabrielle.

At the contest Gabby is getting people in order when Draco comes up and asks for Gabby’s love one finally time. She refuses and he takes her. When he takes the stage Gabby is in a cage in the cutest little white go-go outfit. She’s trying to get out but can’t break the lock - finally someone gives her rock to bust the lock. As the song ends and Draco closes in for the kill, Xena shows up and plays her theme song on the Lyre, making everyone stop. Gabby manages to bust loose and does a maush pit jump into the crowd. Gabby holds Draco off long enough until Xena gets there. They start to rap to each other as they fight. Of course I don’t need to tell you who wins. (VBG) Xena beats the tar out of him and ends up winning the band contest but instead of taking the Lyre she gives it to the city for everyone to enjoy.

Joxer and Gabby discuss her jealous. She says she’s just used to Joxer being around her. Joxer agrees that it’s okay and if she’s doing anything that evening - her response? "Not a chance in Tartarus". Nice to see that Joxer knows where he stands(VBG).

Everyone comes on stage at the end and sing. Joxer makes up with his brother. Xena does a little song and dance while keeping her arm on Gabs shoulder (like I said, little subtext(G)) and all is right with the world. (VBG)

This one wasn’t too bad folks. It was better than the Bitter Suite but that’s just my jaded rift opinion I think. (G). Next week it’s pie fights galore… this one looks like it could be an unexpected treat…Lord knows we could use one again. (VBG).

CN Winters