Episode: In Sickness and In Hell
Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and
Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors
because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post
them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.
Drop me a line at email@example.com.
In Sickness and In Hell
ep had talking bugs, deadly rabbits and stomach flu. Not to
mention temperamental horses and contagious fungus. . .Yes,
this is a comedy ep and there will be scenes that will make
you laugh out loud and cringe. It's low on subtext but good on
Xena sleeps with a
pleasant grin on her face. A grin, I should add, that gets
bigger when she hears Gabrielle softly calling her name. When
the warrior princess does open her eyes she's met with Gabby's
rotting foot in her face. Now judging by Xena's first
expression a decaying foot is not the part of the bards
anatomy the warrior was expecting to see (G). It's also
obvious Xena likes the sound of Gabby's voice in the morning (VBG).
As Xena gets up
Gabby does the 'monkey thing' and searches Xena's mane. Xena
asks if she found a bald spot and Gabby says no it's lice. Of
course the ever hygiene obsessed Xena takes offense and
adamantly denies any little bugs have taken residence in her
The pair search for
Argo and find her. All the while they banter back and forth,
trading shots about each other predicaments (Gabby, of course,
gets the best shots in (G). I'd also like to add what a
wonderful job ROC did with this script.) When Xena whistles to
Argo the horse just keeps on going. Xena knows the mare is
pretty P.Oed at her for leaving her. During this scene the two
women carry on like a married couple. . .not THAT way! Get
your mind outta the gutter. . .They volley affectionate
insults at each other.
Joxer shows up in
typical Joxer fashion. Xena, typically, insults him too but he
pushes it aside and says a town paid him to defend them
against an evil warlord. Xena and Gabby agree to help him. As
the pair continue to track Argo, making their way to the
village, Gabrielle notices how the fungus is spreading up her
legs to her inner thighs; going into regions that would scare
the Tartarus outta anyone (G). But Xena decides breakfast is
more important at the moment. She goes to kill a rabbit but
Gabby insists she wants to do the hunt that morning. Xena's
doubtful but lets the bard go after the bunny.
As Joxer and Xena
collect firewood, he tells her about the warlord's army. Xena
is familiar with them (of course, the woman knows EVERYONE in
Greece it seems. Except for the many people who look just like
her (g)). Around this time the warlord sees Argo and decides
he wants the mare. As Joxer and Xena discuss things, Gabby
tries to lure 'breakfast' by feeding him berries. The berries
however have hallucination effects. The bunny becomes vicious
and tries to rip Gabby apart. The bard goes into a battle to
the death with the fuzzy woodland creature that had me ROTFL.
Needless to say the
bunny gets away and Joxer and Xena tease the bard reliantly
about the rodent beast. Joxer makes them radish stew instead
and goes to look for Argo while the girls eat. After Joxer is
gone the girls talk about Argo's psychological state since
Xena's abandonment ( I think they explained the relationship
between Xena and her damn horse better than the did with her
and the bard(LOL) but that just one subtexters opinion). As
the pair continue their discussion, Gabby takes Xena's chakram
and rubs her itchy body with it.
So as Gabby begs
Xena for 'relief', Xena closes in to retrieve her weapon. But
Gabby insists that she's 'not going to give it to her'. (VBG)
I have to admit, Gabby's discomfort is somewhat erotic (Boy
does she know how to grind those hips (G)). It gets better
when she taunts Xena to come and get her, calling her by her
title - warrior princess.
Joxer returns to
find Gabby's hands bound and she explains it was Xena's idea
of a joke (Sounds like a Bat Morta or Katrina story to me(VBG).
Those ladies are the queens of bondage stories if you ask me(G)).
Too bad we didn't see just how Xena did manage to pin the bard
and tie her up. Now that would have made the ep wonderful - a
little bondage is always good for the ratings you know(BG).
princess has gone to make a rock slide to stop the approaching
army (How original Xena!! sarcastic grin~). Joxer takes the
chance to question Gabby as to how much she likes him. Gabby
however feels a rumbling in her tummy and tells him now is not
the time. But Joxer being Joxer presses the issue and gets his
shoes puked on in the process.
On the way to the
village both women get sick. They argue about Argo some more
and Gabby even pushes Xena to make her point. Not too many
people (if anyone) can PUSH the WP around and live to tell
about it (Oh yeah. . .Xena is kitty whipped - BIG TIME!).
In the onset, Argo
has become the warlords prized mare. At the village Joxer
introduces Xena and Gabrielle who are looking like death
warmed over at this point. The inn keeper offers to get them
supplies and a room and most definitely a bath (G).
At the mineral
springs (aka bath), Xena has goo in her hair to kill her
little friends that have a habit of making noise when she
kills them (G). Gabrielle for her part has her body covered in
a mud pack. Xena talks about 'Greek Fire' in the bathing
springs and figures that's why the warlord wants the village.
Greek Fire - is basically oil. Oil that is, Black gold, Texas
Joxer returns after
completing a list of all the potential warriors the town has
(Brief observation here: For two weeks, count 'em, two weeks
Joxer's done good. Yes he's been an ass at times but not a
complete ass and I applaud him). Gabby makes a comment about
this mud she's wearing is sheep dung and Joxer says no it's
goat poo. Gabby gets a bit pissed with Xena and Xena can only
smirk in response. But soon Gabby is scratching her head and
Xena is itching her shoulder.
Now here's an
interesting thought (G). . .Gabrielle has this fungus on the
lower half of her body, mostly her inner thighs. Xena now has
the same thing on her shoulder. . . You do the math kids(VBEG).
So next Xena is covered in the 'mud' and Gabby's got the lice
gel in her hair. Those girls share everything I tell ya (G).
Later that night,
as Xena tells Gabby the inn keeper is in cahoots with the
warlord, Gabby drinks a potion meant as a lotion not a
medicine. Suddenly she can't feel her tongue and has no
control over her mouth. Xena says it should go away in a day
or two, once more smirking at the bards misfortune. With
Gabby's tongue outta commission things are going from bad to
worse for our lovebirds (G).
As Xena and Gabby
sleep, Xena's hutch is correct about the innkeeper. An
assassin creeps in but Xena puts the pinch on him.
Unfortunately, nature calls to Xena and she wakes the bard
telling him to ask the questions. Gabby still can't talk
without a speech impediment. She leans over the villain to ask
his plan and she can't stop drooling on him. It becomes some
kind of demented Chinese water torture for this guy. They lock
him in a cell but he still doesn't want to talk so Xena
instructs Gabby to go in and give him a BIG kiss. The bard
steps forward with drool hanging from her mouth and the guy
quickly falls in line. Who needs the 'pinch' when you got a
foaming mouthed bard(LOL)?
Next morning the
warlord attacks (and once more Joxer goes for the save and
takes out three guys!! Of course it's by serendipity but
still. . .). The army frees the assassin and takes off. They
leave to wait for the rest of their troops that had to detour
because of Xena's rockslide. At that moment Xena sees that
Argo is now the warlords' horse (Yes. . .Argo goes BAD!! Oh
After the attack,
Xena sits in the tavern crying over her horse (literally
CRYING - I think she misses that potential glue tube more than
her 'light' aka Gabby). And being the good sidekick that she
is, Gabby tries to sooth Xena. In spite of her self pity, Xena
forms a plan to get Argo back. Since Joxer made everyone sick
with his stew, Xena sends him to feed the warlords army.
Xena sneaks into
Argo's hold but the mare won't leave with her and gives Xena
an attitude. Xena manages to get surrounded . . .but not for
long (G). She fights her way free but the warlord chases after
Her plan has
worked. Joxer's stew takes effect leaving the army soundly
defeated. All but the assassin can follow the warlord. As the
warlord approaches Xena aboard Argo the warrior throws down
her sword and waits for their approach. Gabby thinks Xena's
nuts and wants her to defend herself but Xena knows better
(G). Argo grinds to a haul and sends the warlord over her head
first. As Xena and Argo sing the 'Forgive Me - Love of your
love song' (just kidding), the assassin comes to take Xena
out. He doesn't however see Gabby charging from the woods.
The bard saves the
defenseless warrior by knocking the assassin clear off the
horse and on his back side (Go Gabby!!Go!! That's my bard!!
She saves Xena from her grandson, Mr. Porcupine last week and
an assassin this week. I'm beaming with pride.(G). I love
Gabby. Have I mentioned that?(VBG)).
The warlord takes
the assassins horse and charges after Argo and Xena. Guess who
With the town safe,
they offer Joxer 500 dinars. But Joxer looks at Xena and Gabby
and tells the town to keep their money. As he soaks up his
hero status, Gabby and Xena voice their admiration as well and
he goes happily about his way.
Xena starts to tell
Gabby about how they are always there for one another but
Gabby falls asleep against a pole. But not to worry, Xena's
got all the friends she needs she says as she picks another
I'll admit it. I
really liked this one. LL did a good job but ROC really shined
in this one showing that she can do comedy just as well as LL
and at times in this ep even better.
As for next week
Xena and Gabby get into Roman garb and take on Caesar and
Pompeii. Boy o' boy do they look hot!!!
disclaimer: No leapin' lice were beaten, whipped, wounded or
scratched during the production of this motion picture.