This Isn’t Supposed To Happen/Not In My World
None of these characters are mine – they belong to P and G.
I'm just toying with them for our amusement.
Note: Our gals late
night musings as they lie in bed.
This Isn’t Supposed To
Happen; Not In My World
Part I: Olivia
Two o’ three in the A.M.
It’s too early to get up
and I’m not tired enough to fall back asleep… unlike the
‘rock’ next to me.
You always wonder why I’m
still so hard to wake in the morning. What you don’t know is
how many nights I do this – I wake up and just lay here
smiling; watching you sleep. And although you’re my reality,
I wake up every day – even before my eyes are open – and I
worry. Because this isn’t supposed to happen…not for me…so
Will I wake up to some
stranger in my bed, a meaningless one-night stand, and not a
raven-haired goddess who exudes sex appeal, devotion and
loyalty beyond measure? Will these past four years just be a
dream? I want to touch you so bad right now, but I don’t
want to wake you. Besides, that’ll happen soon enough in a
Maybe you’ll stand at the
foot of the bed, tugging the covers like you’ve trained Emma
and Francesca to do to me. Maybe I’ll wake up to the smell
of coffee you started for me and see the picture of the four
of us on the dresser. I told you I wanted to put a copy there
so I see it first thing in the morning to remind me of how
lucky we are. I didn’t lie, but I also didn’t tell you
that I wanted it there so I would know – in my mind – what
we have IS a reality. That the life we’ve built isn’t just
a figment of my overactive and hopeful imagination.
And you put that picture
there because I asked. That’s all I had to do. Just ask…
You always want to make me happy; make me smile. And I’d
give you anything within my power to do the same. I swear,
God, if you’re listening right now, this woman will never
want for anything in her life as long as I’m around. I
promise I’ll love her endlessly…
But I have to admit you’re
not always perfect or accommodating, Sweetheart. You drive me
crazy too, but it’s mostly little things.
Like how you insist on
hand-washing some of my clothes instead of sending them to the
dry cleaner. Or clearing the dinner plates before I can stand
up to do it, even though YOU cooked. But even with all these
little quirks, I wouldn’t trade you for anything.
The reason is simple. No one
has ever taken care of me out of love – not until you... Let’s
see who’s on the list…
Josh, he did love me as much
as he could, but I know he never felt devoted to me. I mean,
my God, I spent our wedding night dancing with my brother,
Sam, while he was off tending to yet another irrational Reva
demand. I should have known, right then and there, we were
doomed. But I had faith. I told myself I could earn your total
love and devotion. It would just take time and patience and
doing the ‘right thing,’ but that was foolish.
I think that’s what I love
most about you, Sweetheart. Loving you isn’t a job; it’s a
pleasure. And the love you give in return…it leaves me
Oh, and the last husband,
Jeffrey. I’m not sure if he counts as a ‘real husband’
but he did take care of me after the transplant. However, I
know it was because he felt like he ‘owed me.’ Not like
you, who had the tenacity of pit bull with a pot roast. You
just wouldn’t let go. It was about Gus’s heart at first,
but even for you, at some point, it changed. It became about
saving ME and giving my daughters more time with their mother.
As for Buzz, he always
wanted to save me from the world… and myself. In contrast,
you let me be the person I truly am, and you love me still the
same. It’s like when Emma went missing because she heard us
talking about moving out of the farmhouse after our first
Christmas. You asked an innocent question, and I made a
cutting comment about your skills as a mother since Rafe was
in prison. God, I could be a bitch, but you took it in stride.
Rather than instigate a fight, you saw that outburst for what
it was – my panic and anxiety doing the talking.
Point is, you ‘got me’
and understood me on a level Buzz never did, despite his love
and attention. And when you said you loved my kid; that you’d
die for her…that panic and anxiety slipped away, if only for
a moment. I knew you loved her, like ‘I’ loved her –
like no one else had…and because of that, I loved you too…
more than I was willing to admit at the time.
As for Alan and Phillip…I
really don’t want to think about that mess. I’ll never get
back to sleep. I can say the one great thing I got was Emma…And
Bill, let’s face it – it was great sex and convenience.
And even though he did care for Emma, I don’t think he
really loved her – not like you, my Sweetheart.
I remember that day at the
fair this summer when you said that woman told you that she
could see the family resemblance since you and Emma had the
‘same nose.’ I still laugh at that. It was the day you and
Emma rode the ‘big girl rides’ while I took Francesca on
the teacups. I fell into the ‘cannot ride’ category
because of my heart condition, but I didn’t mind. I loved
watching Francesca smile and clap on the ride that moved like
a snail. It was just as much fun as seeing you and Emma
smiling as you came off the ramp of the roller coaster. She
looked like a bunny on an energy drink as she bounced
excitedly beside you, jabbering away.
I think of all the times,
and happiness, I would have lost if I didn’t give you
another chance. It took awhile for that fear to go away –
that you would leave with no word or warning – and although
it’s been over four years now… like I said, I have a
different fear…that none of this is truly real. That one day
I’ll wake up, and you’ll be gone because someone as
wonderful as you was never really here.
But you are here.
Beautiful, flowing black
locks over the ivory pillow. Gorgeous body with curves that
still captivate me. And brown eyes that I sink into every time
you look at me – well, okay. I can’t see them NOW since
you’re asleep, but I know what’s behind those lids, and
they’re positively stunning.
"I love you so
much," I whisper as I caress your face, unable to hold
My action causes you to roll
slightly and pull me into a sleepy embrace. I end up with one
of your legs draped over mine and your arm around my waist,
holding me somewhat possessively. Next, I feel your lips on my
neck in a brief kiss, but I know from the slight grumble that
you’re still asleep. Even when you’re unconscious you
still love me… and it makes me smile.
Yeah. This isn’t supposed
to happen…not to me…But now with you wrapped in my arms I
know I can finally relax my fear enough and get to sleep.
Part II: Natalia
Seven o' three in the A.M.
I'm standing here at the
foot of the bed, but you're still not up. That's okay though.
I know that won't last too much longer. I'll sic the kids on
you and pretty soon you'll be mumbling grumpily and rubbing
your eyes. Yes, Sweetheart. I know your routine perfectly now.
I remember a time when I used to knock on your door to make
sure you were getting up. In truth, I was just making sure you
were still alive because I never minded letting you sleep in
or looking after Emma; not in the least.
But now I stand here in our
bedroom; in our house and I can't help but smile.
And there it is…you
embracing my abandoned pillow, snuggling in deeper. It's as if
you know the battle that lies ahead and you're preparing. You
can flex those long, glorious fingers deeper into the cotton
of the pillowcase, but you're not gonna win.
Eh…Who'da thought that big
bad Olivia Spencer was a cuddler?
I sure didn't. The first
time it happened was before we became a couple. You were
feeling a little run down on movie night, but you promised
Emma we'd watch 'The Incredibles.' I remember the movie
because as I watched the family of superheroes it reminded me
of us, and the fact that you called me a superhero. As for
you, well, I thought you were invincible because even at your
lowest times, you still had this ruggedness; strength.
Of course, much of that
strength was wasted on battling me, thank-you-very-much. But I
remember that movie and that night because between us and
wonder-girl Emma we WERE The Incredibles – you with your
super strength; me with my ability to bend and adapt and Emma
with her speed and energy that even I had a hard time keeping
up with some days.
So that night, rather than
sitting on the sofa, we all laid in your bed with Emma on one
side and me on the other. Now that I think back on it, you
knew then… you knew that you loved me and I think you knew
that I was falling for you too. I think you purposely went to
the middle of the bed so Emma wouldn't be separating us. And
sometime between Syndrome's robot wrecking havoc on Metroville
and the film's end credits we all fell asleep. I woke up
around 1 am to find your arm tucked around my waist and your
leg over mine.
My first reaction was
We'd never been this
physically close. I mean sure we hugged, but this was…intimate.
I felt anxious though because…I liked it. No one ever
cuddled me in their sleep. I spent so many years alone and my
time with Gus was brief. Even then he wasn't really a cuddler.
After sex, he'd hold me – he wasn't an insensitive oaf –
but he never… enveloped me like you did. With you, it was
like your very existence – your very soul – depended on
how tight you clung to me.
My second reaction was
I loved the feel of your
weight against me. I loved the way your shampooed hair
smelled. I loved the feel of your breath alongside my neck.
You were assaulting all of my senses… and you weren't even
conscious. I felt that old familiar ache, deep within me. I
began to wonder how your skin tasted or how your voice would
sound at the height of passion. Almost immediately I pushed
the thought out of my head. You were my best friend. And you
were a woman. But you were…positively stunning.
My third reaction was guilt.
In addition to my growing
desire, which I didn't think you shared, my mind went back to
earlier in the evening when we were watching the movie. I got
a little misty eyed when Bob and Helen were reunited after he
thought she had died. Next thing I felt was you squeezing my
hand. I blushed in embarrassment. It was a child's show for
goodness sake, but without even saying a word your eyes
conveyed that it was okay to be emotional. I remembered in
that instant how warm your skin felt on mine and how I
wondered, even for a moment, what it would feel like if I
leaned over and kissed you. But, just as suddenly, I
remembered that Emma was there and, besides, you didn't want
me. You were pushing me toward Frank at every turn and neither
one of us were gay so… I should just let it go.
My fourth reaction was
I lied there and soaked up
the closeness, realizing we might never have a time like this
again. So I had to enjoy it while I could, the rest of the
world be damned. At that moment, you curled up at my side, it
felt…right. I looked over at you to see your eyes were half
opened and watching me. I opened my mouth to speak, to
apologize, but the hand that was on my hip moved up and you
placed one finger over my lips.
"Shhh," I remember
you saying, "You'll wake Emma. Go to sleep."
That's all you said. But you
didn't leave. No. Instead you snuggled in even closer, your PJ
covered breast buried against my upper arm. So I did my best
to take your advice. I closed my eyes, but I didn't get to
sleep. I just lay there, soaking up the feel of you, as a soft
snore escaped from you… and Emma.
Right now, I'd love to watch
you sleep again, but it's a milestone for both our daughters
I'm sure you won't want to miss…
"Olivia?" I call
out and give a soft tug on the blanket. "Today's the big
day. You need to get up Sweetheart. I told Emma and Chessie to
You grumble in response and
put the pillow over your head, which should make me angry.
However, I can't help it and I smile. Some things never
Like a tornado, Emma and
Francesca tear into the room, fully clothed. Francesca begins
to tug on the comforter at the foot of the bed where I'm
standing while Emma tries to pull the pillows away from you.
you beg, but it goes unheeded.
I start to laugh. "Go
for her sides, Emma," I coach.
Emma reaches out with her
thumb and forefinger and begins to tickle your side and you
"Okay, okay," you
relent. "I'm up, sheesh."
"You want to see
Chessie get on the bus don't you, Mom?" Emma asks.
"It's her first day of preschool."
already?" Olivia asked. Then she looks down at Francesca.
"How many are you now?"
"I'm four," she
says awkwardly holding up her thumb and three fingers.
"You can't be that many
already. Are you?" Olivia teases.
"I am," Francesca
"Are not," you
"I am," Francesca
says more forcefully, the humor in Olivia's voice totally lost
"I love ya kid, but
you're as gullible as your old man," Olivia remarks,
which makes me giggle.
Francesca looks confused,
but Emma slaps Olivia's leg.
"Be nice to her
daddy," she warns.
"Yeah, be nice to
daddy," Francesca mimics her sister.
"Oh fine," Olivia
says lightheartedly. She then turns to Emma. "How about
you, Bean? Nervous?"
"No," she replies.
says as she gives her a shove.
"Okay, a little,"
she confesses. She's grown so much. She looks like a woman
now, a much younger version of Olivia, although she does have
Phillip's eyes. Although she's a teenager now, I still can't
help it and I reach out and stroke her hair. "I've heard
all the horror stories about being a freshman, but I'm sure
they're just stories. I'll be fine."
You turn to me and say,
"We got one starting high school and the other's just
startin' from scratch…are we insane?"
"We? No. It's just you
because YOU had the choice of returning here to
this...insanity," I tease her as a motion around us.
She smiles for a moment and
then looks rather sober.
"Nah, I had no choice
whatsoever…You got me hook, line and sinker."
"Well, you ARE quite
the catch," I compliment and lean over to give you a long
"Yuck," Emma says,
which, again, Francesca parrots. "Get a room you
guys," Emma adds.
You pull back and point out,
"Hey! We're in our room…You two go!"
"Fine," our eldest
girl sighs. So much like her mother that one.
As you shoo them away with
your hands, Emma reaches for Francesca, who goes along
willingly. Once the door closes I don't have time to react
before you pull me down to the bed with a soft thud.
We smile at each other as
you lean over me and say, "I know it's been almost a
decade, but there are still days when I tell myself that this
isn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't be this happy… but I
am…because of you, because of our life here…You mean
everything to me – you know that, right?"
I smile. "Falling in
love like this… it never seemed possible. At least not in my
world. But you've made all my dreams a reality. Like I said,
you could have left, but I thank God everyday you
Then you kiss me… and I